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The Gottman Method is a form of couples therapy and education that originated from relationship research conducted by psychologist John Gottman. For over 40 years, Gottman has been identifying and testing the elements of a lasting relationship. Gottman and his wife, psychologist Julie Schwartz Gottman, created a framework for clinical therapy known as the Gottman Method and launched the Gottman Institute - a center for training, research and education.

One of the main tenets of the Gottman Method is that couples need five times more positive interactions than negative ones because negative emotions such as defensiveness and contempt are more damaging to relationships.

As such, therapy focuses on developing the practical skills and understanding that is necessary for partners to maintain sympathy and admiration. It also focuses on developing effective solutions to such fixable problems and developing communication skills on difficult topics and unresolved issues. During the session we will appreciate the strengths of your relationship and subtly explore areas where it can be strengthened.

When is the Gottman Method used?

The Gottman Method is a comprehensive therapy that serves all couples of all ages and at every stage of the relationship.

Gottman's 12-year research has shown that while homosexual couples have different dynamics, they are comparable to heterosexual couples in many respects and will benefit similarly from the Gottman Method.

The method can be used for many relationship problems, but it can be especially useful for couples who are:

In chronic conflict.
Dealing with infidelity.
Struggling to communicate.
Stagnant in the relationship or are emotionally distant.
Facing specific issues such as finances, parenting, and sex.

All Gottman therapy is based on the couple's interaction patterns, with partners learning and implementing relationship building and problem solving skills.

What can you expect?

The couple begins therapy by getting acquainted with the Gottman Method. Then:

We discuss each partner's individual story, their philosophy of the relationship, and their goals of therapy.
We deep-dive into the relationship, discussing what the partners agree and disagree on.
We focus on the ingredients of a healthy relationship, which are backed by extensive research.
We strengthen the love and respect that first brought the partners together.
We engage in face-to-face coaching with the therapist on collaboration skills and trust development.
We gain and train the tools to check and maintain a healthy relationship long after therapy.

The Gottman Method focuses not only on providing you with practical relationship management skills, but also on deeper insight into how relationship dynamics develop. The length of therapy depends on how serious the couple's problems are. The researchers studied the process using ten sessions as a benchmark, but the duration is ultimately the decision of the couple and the therapist.

How does it work?

The Gottman method is based on many years of research and observations on interactions between couples. The Gottmans found that negativity has a strong influence on our minds, and that unless couples take steps to counter the negativity, they drift apart emotionally. The method identifies and addresses emotional states and behaviors that turn out to be the basis of intimacy and helps partners maintain a positive attitude towards each other that can sustain them in difficult circumstances.

How does it look?

After the first joint session, the next two meetings are devoted to individual sessions so that I can get to know your personal stories better and give you the opportunity to freely express your thoughts, feelings and the most difficult issues for you. During the treatment evaluation, I will share with you recommendations for what to do next and together we will set goals for the next sessions.

Subsequent meetings are held together. However, individual sessions, if necessary, may still be suggested. You may also receive individual exercises to be done at home.

We will regularly evaluate your overall satisfaction and progress, and the length of therapy will be adjusted to your needs and goals.

Coming out of therapy is about gradually reducing the frequency of your meetings so that you have the opportunity to try out new relationship skills and prepare for life after therapy.

According to the Gottman Method, four follow-up sessions are planned: six, twelve, eighteen, and twenty four months after the end of therapy. Such a cycle of follow-up sessions significantly reduces the risk of returning to unhealthy patterns. My goal is to ensure the best quality of therapy, which is why we will systematically assess the effectiveness of the methods used and your personal progress.

The method focuses on the nine elements of a healthy relationship, which Gottman calls "The Sound Relationship House". It includes:

Build Love Maps: Assessing how well the partners know each other's inner world: their hopes, stresses, worries and desires.
Share Fondness and Admiration: Focusing on the level of respect and affection that exists between the couple. Gottman calls this "the antidote to contempt."
Turn Towards: Being aware of your partner and responding when you sense they need something emotional.
Positive Perspective: Approaching problems and fixing failures with a positive attitude.
Manage Conflict: Conflict in a relationship is inevitable and sometimes even beneficial, but according to Gottman, managing conflict is different from resolving it. Some problems can be fixed, but many relationship conflicts just need to be managed.
Make Life Dreams Come True: Creating an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about their hopes, values, beliefs and aspirations.
Create Shared Meaning: Understanding important narratives, myths, and metaphors about a relationship.
Trust: Gottman defines trust as partners' awareness that each will think and act in the other's best interest.
Commitment: Knowing that your partner will be there for you in difficult times and will work to overcome them. It involves being grateful for who your partner is and what they do in the relationship.

Although individual perspectives and wishes are taken into account, therapists are ethically unable to keep secrets in the Gottman Method. This is for the benefit of the couple and encourages an atmosphere of honesty, which is the first step to trust

What should you look for in a couples therapist using the Gottman method?

While many therapists know and apply the principles of Gottman's relationship research, a certified Gottman Method therapist has completed several levels of study and training at a Gottman Institute in additional to their psychology training.

Confirmation of my credentials at the Gottman Institute:

https://www.gottman.com/couples/find-a-therapist/

https://gottmanreferralnetwork.com/therapists/maria-kmieciak

© 2021 by Maria Kmieciak

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